Drawing Closer

God is teaching me so much lately.
I very recently had my heart broken, and I'm still in pain over it, but I know God is using it to teach me forgiveness, to stay vulnerable and willing to love, and to lean on Him. I've gradually slipped away from Him and now I'm running back and embracing ANOTHER second chance.

He's also been blessing me in some huge ways. I'm meeting up with one of my best friends and accountability partner this week. I'm going out to the movies with my family to see the new Narnia movie. I'm having music practice for my next special at church. And I'm spending a day in a recording studio! SO thankful!

This is my last week off school for a very long time, unfortunately. But it should be a good'n. So I'll be spending my spare time planning out my (final:) school year.

Better get my day started...

Prayer Request

I'm beginning to realize that every time I blog it's when I'm upset. So I apologize but once again this post is gonna be a downer...

I am exhausted. My heart is tired. My body is tired. My mind is tired. I'm all around drained, and I'm crying out to God day and night for answers and getting nothing. I have to compose myself in public to keep from bursting into tears. There isn't one thing that is bothering me more than anything else. There are three huge issues weighing on my heart. To say life is hard right now would be an understatement. I'm not going to name them; they're too personal, but I would ask for your prayers.

All I want is to please God in my decisions.

I went to rest on the couch for a few minutes and my mom glanced at me, then stopped and looked at me again and said, "Olivia, you look so tired." I guess the makeup isn't doing such a great job hiding my tired eyes here lately.
Yeah, I'm wallowing in self-pity right now, if you couldn't tell. But my reasons are legit, I promise. I need help. Serious advice. And comfort. I feel very alone.

Thank you to everyone who reads this and remembers to pray for me.

I don't even know. I just started writing.

I thought I was alone
But turned and saw Him there
He said "Stop pretending
as if I'm not everywhere."

I said "What is it now?
What am I doing wrong?"
He said "Be still, let go.
Stop holding on."

Then He took my hand
And held it tight
Said "I'll handle tomorrow
Rest here for tonight."

So I settled in His arms
And gave Him my trust
I said "What will I do
When the morning comes?"

He said "Hush now, you'll see
I'll guide you every step
Child, I was always there
Shut out by your selfishness."

I said "God what about the storms?"
He said "I'll be there through the night"
I said "When I'm broken, when I'm torn?"
He said "I'll never leave your side"

I said "What about my sin
And all the things I've done?"
He said "Daughter you're forgiven
I look at you and I see my son."

MEN

I'm gonna pull a Social Network and rant about my anger on the internet. Oh well. I prefer typing my feelings out rather than writing it by hand.

Guys are babies. They will say anything to make you believe that they have your best interest in mind, and they're good at it. They know the right things to say, when they're just really immature and insensitive and jealous. They're arrogant, and really don't have a CLUE when the women in their life are hurting, and the only way to get their attention is to make it painfully obvious. They'll tell you you're beautiful, gorgeous, amazing..... so sweet. :) who's the other lucky lady you're also texting that to, jerk?

Now, to be fair: Women send guys on an emotional rollercoaster by changing moods every two minutes and getting angry that the poor dude can't keep up. We're controlling, hormonal, and we twist everything they say into an insult (sorry, but it's fun :).

Also: I have plenty of guys in my life that are very dear to me, that set amazing Christ-like examples, that are exceptions to the faults I just blurted out, and that I love.

Hopefully that evens it out.

Toodles!

I can't hardly handle these emotions.

They're irrational troubles - things that shouldn't bother me. But thinking about them... ugh. I just wanna burst into tears.

God God God give me a way out!

Stupid Inhaler!!!!

So I've been having asthma attacks nearly every evening for the past week, and I recently got a new inhaler, and have been taking it three times a day (well, twice each time. Not supposed to take it anymore than that.)
And over the past three days I've noticed that I'm constantly depressed and on the edge of tears.... wondering if Albuterol had any side affects so I looked it up... The most common side affects?...

allergic reactions, aggression, agitation, anxiety, appetite loss, depression, diarrhea, dizziness, drowsiness, dry mouth, headache, light-headedness, muscle cramps, nausea, nervousness, nightmares, restlessness, ringing in the ears, insomnia, urinary problems, vomiting, back pain, fever, and fatigue.

I've been getting several of these, depression the worst. Ugh! Can't wait to be able to stop taking this stupid thing...

Okay, done venting.

True Security

I am definitely putting myself way behind on my day by taking the time to type this, but I need to... I'd much rather type out my feelings, than write them by hand at the moment... sometimes that doesn't work so well, because, let's face it, people only want to know so much about you. O.o Anyway...

I just started (as in like, half an hour ago) reading a book by Beth Moore called "So Long Insecurity". Insecurity is something I struggle with.. I guess everybody does if we're honest, but, yeah... anyway... See, I've been spoiled growing up. I've always known I was loved, considered lovely, people were proud of me... not everyone, but my family and close friends at least - they smothered me with this adoration. And I've allowed myself to totally lean on it.

Obviously it's a huge self-esteem booster for any girl to be told she's beautiful... But Beth Moore raised a critically important question... What IF we're never told that again? What security is left for us?

So what has been going through my mind these past few minutes, that I'm going to try and let change my entire perspective on my self-image is this: If no one ever says "I love you", "You are so beautiful" "I'm proud of you" "I miss you"... if I never hear anything like this again, never feel adored, or loved... is God sufficient? Is His love, the fact that I was made in His image, that He adores me and created me to look exactly like the beautiful, one-of-a-kind, daughter-of-The-King that I am... is that enough? Could I go my entire life without a shred of human praise, and be fully secure and confident when I look at myself through God's eyes?
I don't think so.
Not at this point.
But it's not an unrealistic goal.
In fact, it's the only thing that will satisfy my natural human desire to be accepted.
So that's what I'm going to start working toward.
Finding my dignity at the cross.

Pain

My heart hurts so badly...

Time is supposed to heal...

But time passes so slowly when you have a broken heart. I want to redo what I've done, but what I did was the right thing. I know it. God confirmed it in my heart and mind. But oh, how it hurts..

I have to keep reminding myself to rest in His arms... that's the only thing keeping me from taking it all back. And I would so regret doing that, knowing it's not God's will for my life.

I have to stay strong, I have to obey, but how do I ignore the pain? It's affecting me physically. Changing my sleeping and eating pattern, taking away my ability to focus on anything for any amount of time, and literally giving me headaches...

Creator, only you take brokenness, and create it into beauty once again....

I know God will make something incredible out of this. And that doesn't comfort me at all. The pain is there just the same. But it doesn't matter. All that matters is that He be glorified through the choices I make. That's all that matters. That's all I live for. Him. God. Jesus. Lord. Daddy. Father. Abba. My Savior.

Father, if You are willing, remove this cup from me. Yet not my will, but Yours be done.

Sick

So last Wednesday I came down with a cold.... yuck! :( I was determined that I could push through it without rest and still get better... me. With my pathetic immune system, hahahahha. Yeah, so I've basically been in denial that I'm even sick. Going out with my friends, doing school and cleaning around the house. Taking drugs to cover it up and still eating garbage. I've been paying too. Sunday is the worst I've felt in a long time so yesterday I really let myself rest. I didn't do anything else but rest and I feel MUCH better. I'm gonna do the same today.... The only reason I'm blogging at five in the morning is because I've been up since three, unable to sleep. Bleh!

As for other things in life.... I'm going to get my license sometime this September. :)) I'm pretty nervous about it.
There's this incredible song from Switchfoot that just recently has been playing on the radio called "Your love is a song". Ohhh, it's so beautiful and so worshipful.
I'm starting to get a lot better as a guitarist. Learning lots of new stuff, I'm so excited! I've been "stuck" as a musician for quite a while, not knowing how to improve any further without lessons, even though I know I have a ton left to learn, and I'm finally coming out of that and finding new avenues of musical growth... glorious. :) Speaking of music, I want to request prayer, as usual, for my music career which is still on hold. I reallyyyyyy want to see something happen. BUT! This isn't about me, it's for God's glory... so I'll wait for His timing, however long that is.
Well... I suppose I should try to sleep, eh? We'll see how that goes, haha!

-Livvy

Holding it all in

Agh. What's wrong with me? I have communication problems. I hate hurting people's feelings. I hate being controlling. I hate being annoying. So much so that sometimes I don't SPEAK UP when I need to. And then I get upset. And no one knows it but me. And it's my fault. I really need to learn to communicate to people how I feel about things, because I'm making myself miserable. Please pray for me on this topic! Thanks! :)

Music

Oh my goodness. What would I do without my music? What an incredible gift from God music is. It can make you cry, in the best way. Almost like it makes you feel closer to Heaven. You know - that type of music. Often just a single instrument. A piano. A violin. It absolutely takes my breath away.

Music is my only sanity sometimes. When I'm upset, angry, sad, I shut myself in my room, pick up my guitar or turn on my keyboard and just play whatever best expresses the emotions I need to get out. It calms me.

When I think about the fact that music is a gift to us from God... it just gives me the most worshipful state of mind whenever I'm listening to something that really touches me. I'm not talking about lyrics, although words can be extremely powerful, but the emotion that comes purely from music and music alone. It can excite you, relax you, melt you, make you absolutely heartbroken... simply from sound. How powerful is that? What kind of awesome God must we have for something like that to even be possible? To be so completely moved ... by a sound.

Wow.

Nine years ago God used music to change my life. It's through music that He's chosen to use me. Which I consider quite a privilege. Even though I'm still yet to make it big in the music industry, I've been onstage enough to know how easy it is to take it for granted. Every time I perform is an absolute honor to serve The King. God, help me to never forget that.

Thankyou Jesus for music!!

Summer = ewww

So, I love Spring. It has this reawakening-type feeling and the temperature is always perfect. But then comes Summer. And it's hot. And you cannot escape that heat. Even with AC it's, just....hot. So I thought I'd try to go along with it and plant a flower garden. We have a HUGE flower bed. So far I have been weeding for a total of five hours. My back hurts. I am dripping sweat - no, seriously. I look like I just took a dip. And it's 100% sweat. Yucky!!!
BUT, I'm sure that once my lovely flowers are planted.... I'll still hate Summer. Hahahahahaha.
Winter is so wonderful. Why does everyone hate it? I love looking out the window and seeing the world completely white while I'm snuggled under a blanket with a cup of hot chocolate next to a crackling fire. Is it just me, or is that bliss? Eh? EH??? Summer's horrible. The End.

Life

Life is so beautiful. Not because of things that are happening necessarily - if I were in control, I would probably have quite a few more things happening (and not happening for that matter!) for myself, but thank goodness I don't have that power - God is much more trustworthy with my life, and He's teaching me to love every moment that I put it in His hands and sigh a deep sigh of relief.

I get up pretty early every day so I have time for exercise, school, helping with my sibling's school, and helping my mom cook. My day starts at 6:00 am and ends around 8:00 in the evening, when I can talk to Aaron, my best friend, listener, Godly-advice-giver, comforter, and my boyfriend. (: Then I go to bed around 9:30-10:00 and read till about 10:30 when I have no trouble immediately drifting off.

Thankyou God, for every moment that You are in control, and not me. I love you so much!

Psalm 103:1

Praise the LORD, O my soul,
And all my inmost being, praise His Holy Name.

When life gets tough...

I'm sitting here with my coffee. It's six in the morning. I'm tired. I'm burnt-out. I'm done. All I've wanted these past couple days is a hug and some reassurance. But I've been watching some friends push me out of their lives here lately and it's a feeling I'm all too familiar with, but it always hurts the same.

So, I'm in a difficult spot here, as you can see.

Now what?

Well, I'm depressed....

Then what?

Well, then I need some time just me and God to recover.

Then what?

Then, eventually... God would take my hand and help me, and I would get back up and go back to the life He's blessed me with.

My God loves me with an extravagant love, and He will give me strength.

My God loves me with an extravagant love, and He does NOT make mistakes.

That's what.

Just Passing Through (:

Lately God's really been teaching me how to focus on His Kingdom. We say we're just "passing through" but I think that in reality we, even as Christians, get way to comfortable here. Our life is like a vapor (James 4:14). We're here to conform to His image and glorify His name using whatever dreams He's put in our hearts as a means of witnessing. It's so difficult to live with that mindset sometimes. This life is short. We're here, then we're gone, but we get to spend eternity with Him. :) The one who loves me more than I could ever imagine. I get to be with Him forever. What could be more wonderful than that?
I see now why it's sooo important to ask God to refresh my mind and heart every day. I'm so sinful, and so easily go back to only thinking of myself. But if I look at the big picture, I see that my time here is very short, and that gives me something wonderful to look forward to someday.
Psalm 23:6
Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life
And I will dwell in the house of The Lord forever.

The moments in a quiet room
Where all you can hear is the scratching of your pen against the paper
And your own soft murmurs
Of what you're about to write
In a seemingly ordinary room
That seems somehow beautiful in the dim candlelight

Strumming the rough guitar strings
To one of the first songs you ever wrote
While looking out at the sunset
And listening to laughter through the wall

Remembering the good things
While laying the harder things at his feet
And dreaming of what He might have planned

Drinking something hot in front of the fire
While it snows outside
And your dog sleeps at your feet

When a friend looks at you and says
"I love you"
For no other reason than just that

Will I ever truly know what it's like to count my blessings?

Lord, how could I ask for more? ♥

Tell her she's beautiful
Thank God for her every day
Don't push anything
Pray for her constantly
Tuck her hair behind her ear
Protect her purity
Hold her hand
Tell her you love her
...But only if you mean it

A Second Chance

I impatiently tapped the desk with my pencil, chin in hand, elbow resting against the desk, as another tear slid off my nose and onto the paper. I was DEEP into the journal now. How many times had I scratched out a sentence and tried to start over? But where I'd taken my story was not working... I kept getting hurt and kept hurting others. And the more I tried to fix it, the more sentences I scratched out till the whole thing was just a mess.

"I'm still waiting," I heard Him whisper.

I sighed, "Okay... I'm sorry... I'm SO sorry. Please, is there any way to fix what I've done?"

No response.

"Lord?" I whispered, desperate.

No reply.

I reached to wipe my tears and found that my face was already dry. I looked down at my journal, expecting to find my screwed-up story. Instead, I found it open on the first page. It was blank, and the pen was gone. I smiled.

He had taken it.

It's 6:36 am and I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee. I sat in bed for about fifteen minutes wondering if I was really going to get up so early. I finally did and when I looked in the mirror I found that I looked like a ghost... with a few zits and puffy eyes. Haha! I really did have a draining day yesterday - but my goodness, it was amazing! I got to help my teen group in an outreach thing at a nursing home and met some very sweet older women. I also went to my teen group as normal the same evening. :)
I'm gonna spend some time with Jesus here in a few minutes. He's so amazing. Really been emphasizing LOVE in my life lately. One night I went to bed and just lye there and smiled and felt like He was saying "I've ALWAYS loved you this much - you're just now realizing it."
I love you Jesus!

-Olivia